Saturday, March 31 2012

New Product Announcement: Blue Boar Energy Beverage!

Dateline: April 1st, Winexpert Product Science Headquarters

 

Winexpert continues to be first in consumer winemaking innovation! The company that invented the modern wine kit and brought you the world's first premium wine kit (Selection Original),  the first Carbon-Neutral wine kit, the Colour-Match wine kit, the first 80-Proof wine kit and many, many others, now brings you the first consumer-produced energy beverage, Blue Boar Winergy™!

Nothing says 'energy' like pigs on the wing!

 

Lynne Sideburns, Chief Product Excitement Officer is elated with the new product launch, noting: "The trend to energy drinks like Red Bull™, Rock Star™ and the like have overwhelmed the specialty refreshment beverage category in the last ten years, but there's never been a way to make your own, until now! And with our exciting array of flavours and styles--Boarberry Blue Blast, Racing Heart Raspberry, Exotic Fruits Jitterjuice, Extreme Elderberry, and Warped White Zinfandel--we have a Blue Boar Energy Beverage for everyone's taste!"

Just don't make a piggy of yourself!

 

"Energy drinks are a godsend," explains Tim Vandergrift, Winexpert's Manager of Conjectural Technology. "Especially if you're trapped in boring meetings, hour after hour while people drone on and on--who can stay awake for that? In fact, I came up with this idea during a meeting, after falling asleep so deeply that I didn't wake up until it was time to start work again! Ha ha, I miss that job."

Young consumers like energy drinks. And grinning at each other.

 

Blue Boar is superior to commercial energy drinks because laws limit the amount and type of stimulants that can be added to ready-to-drink beverages, while consumers can customise their desired level of stimulaiton while making the kit. Specially crafted add packs include methylxanthines, B vitamins, guarana, yerba mate, açaí, and taurine, plus various forms of ginseng, maltodextrin, inositol, carnitine, creatine, glucuronolactone, and ginkgo biloba. These can make a mildly stimulating drink when adding 1/8th of the pack (about the same level of alertness you'd get from a cup of tea) all the way to a drink that gives the user a sense of invulnerability, the ability to dance all night long, and an extremely irritating tendency to talk inanely for 16 non-stop hours!

While extremely minor, side effects include include nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness, increased urination, abnormal heart rhythms (arrhythmia), dyspepsia, listening to techno music (or in worst cases, dubstep) dry mouth, wet nose, chilblains, rumbling teeth, turophobia (fear of cheese), anterograde amnesia, blurred vision, anosmia (permanent loss of the sense of smell), hallucinations, sleep disorders, and itchy hair.

Blue Boar Energy Beverage will be available for sale April 1st at all Winexpert Retail locations--order yours today!

 

 

 

Posted by Hajime Shigatsu AT 6:34PM

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